Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
