My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
