You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
