He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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