i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize