I'm so fucking centered right now
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
