never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
