I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
