i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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