Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
