i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
