So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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