Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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