this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
