It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
