Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
People in love make me want to vomit
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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