She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
