Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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