If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
