He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
no, he came in my armpit
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
