i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize
