You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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