and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
