I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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