am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
