You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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