Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
