I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
