i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
