...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize