You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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