wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize