I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
