No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
