My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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