I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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