I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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