you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
