the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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