Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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