and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
