i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
