Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
