I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
