So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
