It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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