rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize