Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
