Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
