And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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