i just sent this text using only my big toe
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
