Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
