Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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