it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
