he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
